#whywehost #5: because it is practicing Biblical hospitality

Hospitality.                                                              Tim Fair.                                            

You ever have those moments where this particular idea or concept just keeps coming up in conversations with people from different circles in your life?  Usually when something like this happens in my life and I keep having these similar conversations, I know I need to pay attention.  I need to pay attention because I believe that is one way that God is trying to move me somewhere.

Lately the theme has been hospitality.  I read a story a while back that I believe that fits with our call as someone trying to follow after Jesus.  “Going to town one day to sell some items, a man met a crippled man on the roadside, paralyzed in his legs, who asked him where he was going.  The man replied that he was going to town to sell some items.  The crippled man asked, ‘Do me the favor of carrying me there.’  So he carried the crippled man to town.  The crippled man said to him, ‘Put me down where you sell your items.’  He did so.  When he had sold one item, the crippled man asked him what he sold it for and the man told him the price he had sold it for.  The crippled man then said, ‘Buy me a cake,’ and so he did.  When the man sold his second item, the crippled man asked again how much he sold it for and he replied with the price again.  Then the crippled man said, ‘Buy me this,’ and he bought it.  Having now sold all of his items, the man was ready to leave.  The crippled man asked him ‘Are you going back?’  and he replied ‘yes.’  Then the crippled man said, ‘Do me the favor of carrying me back to the place where you found me.’  Once more picking up the crippled man, he carried him back to that place.  Then the crippled man said, ‘Sir, you are filled with divine blessings, in heaven and on earth.’  Raising his eyes up to see the crippled man, he saw no man; it was an angel of the Lord.”

The writer of the letter to the Hebrews encourages us to practice hospitality to strangers, “Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it.”  Often times it is difficult to love and include those who do not seem to fit our opinions of the righteous or do not meet our expectations of what we think good behavior is.  The man in the story who was on his way to town to sell some items, did what he was asked to do.  He did it without judging the crippled man and without expectations of something in return.  He simply made himself available to the man and is led, or some would say misled, to a place, maybe even a place he didn’t want to go.  He was making himself available.  Bob Goff often says that people follow availability not vision.  

How available are we to people, and not just to the people in our lives that it is easy and beneficial for us to be available too? 

What I have found is that often when my heart is filled with prejudices, worries and fears, there is often very little room for a stranger or for someone that doesn’t think or act like me.  Henri Nouwen says that “Real hospitality is not exclusive but inclusive, requires a radical openness, and creates a space for a wide range of human experience.”  It can be a scary thing when boundaries that had been there for a long time are pushed out and walls that we had in place for a long time begin to break down.

I understand this to be very true for those of us involved with Safe Families.  We often enter into some relationships with families that live differently than how we may live and make decisions that we may not agree with.  It is often way to easy to simply throw out our opinions and thoughts on how they should live and the decisions they should make without first entering into their story a little bit and learning who they are and how they got to the spot that they are in when we cross paths with them.  Henri Nouwen again says that it gets real when we decide to first enter into this place to “suffer with another in a community of equals in the solidarity of powerlessness.”  Often times the best thing we can offer anyone is to offer the gifts of availability and hospitality.  We get to address our brokenness, live in and from our brokenness because of who Jesus is and the love and grace that he offers us.  And if we have been given anything it’s so that we can give it away.

One of the many things that I am learning, is that I don’t have to wear the hat of judgment or sit on the seat of being a judge.  And neither do you.  We get to offer hospitality to others.  We get to be available to others.  We get to love others well.  Jesus tells us not to judge in Matthew 7:1.  We get to include and invite and love others into this new way of living.  We get to put on display this new life that Jesus offers.  And I believe that one of the more powerful ways we can put that on display is by our hospitality and availability to one another; not only to those who think and act like we do.  As Shane Claiborne said, “unity doesn’t mean uniformity.  God’s unity is about harmonizing, not homogenizing.” 

Jesus tells us that the world will know that we belong to him by how we love.

If you are ready to join the movement and would like to become a host family or approved volunteer, please tell us!  Click Here to fill out our online form, or if you'd like to get your church involved, you can find out how Here.

Contact ejohnson@safefamilies.net for more information about Safe Families in Madison County.

How we found Tim:

Tim Fair is on staff at Bethany Christian Church, as Adult Ministry-Discipleship.  After bumping into at least 3 people who said something to the effect of, "You should try reaching out to Tim Fair at Bethany…"  I finally picked up the phone and called.  That was in September 2014.  Since then, Tim and his wife Courtney have become a host family, along with 3 other families at Bethany.  Bob Bell at Bethany Christian Church has seen God's hand on the this ministry, and chosen to allow their staff members to volunteer their time with Safe Families in a variety of roles.  God is certainly lifting up his people, and his Church, to answer the call and care for families and children in crisis.

#WhyWeHost Reason #4: Because Christ Provided A Bridge To The Father

GUEST BLOGGER:  Barbie Dayberry  is the Safe Families Coordinator at College Park Church in Indianapolis.  Barbie shares her heart about hosting and College Park's One Day Training coming up this month on April 25.

The longer I've served with Safe Families, the more I’ve seen the distance between the "Haves" and the "Have-Nots” in life.  One of the supposed advantages to a comfortable life is that it can separate us from exposure to things that disturb us, make us sad, or make us fearful.  And truth be told, I love my safe life in the suburbs.  It feels so perfect. And while I’m missing the white picket fence (darn those HOA rules!), I am thankful for the comfort and safety our neighborhood provides my four small children. With that being said, I also don't want to bury myself so deep behind my metaphorical picket fence that I forget there is a hurting world on the other side of it.  That’s why I so wholly, emphatically, and passionately love Safe Families for Children ministry.  

I love it because it builds a bridge for me.  That bridge starts right outside my fence and ends right next to a family in need – a family I would’ve never seen, known, or even dreamed of before Safe Families.  I don't have to watch the news to find these families; Safe Families brings them hand-in-hand over the emotional and physical distance between us.  Yes, there is still work to be done in caring for a child that is not my own while a mother gets back on her feet again. Work that means wiping tears, making extra food, cleaning up extra toys, installing new car seats, and a myriad of other tasks that need to be fit into the margin of my already-busy life.  However, when the child’s time with me is done, we cross that same bridge again and return them to their home, which has hopefully become a better one during their time away.

Thanks to College Park, this year Safe Families is once again offering a "One Day Training" seminar on the day of SERVE|15 that allows interested families to join our ranks and cover some difficult ground in readying themselves to become a new destination for those crossing the bridge. We will be able to fingerprint, train, feed, and (as much as is possible) prepare families for the hard work of loving needy children.  These obstacles can take weeks on their own, but when we come together - we can help families get through those hurdles quickly and in good company.  For those of you who are already Safe Families or if you’re not in a season of life to host children, Safe Families is also facilitating a cleanup day during SERVE|15 for what we call our "Safe House." This project helps provide love and care for a family that Safe Families is trying to help get back on their feet. It will consist of landscaping and other house maintenance.  If you love to get your hands dirty and your heart full, this will be a great project for you!

If you have any questions about Safe Families for Children and what we do, please visit our website. I would also be happy to answer your questions.  In the meantime, I pray that all of us can find a bridge to those in need, just as Christ provided us a bridge to the Father.  As always, He will make a way.

Thank you all for your support.

-Barbie

Note: If you are in the Madison County area and are interested in attending this training or have questions, please contact Emma at ejohnson@safefamilies.net

#WhyWeHost Reason #3: Because it is God's design

The Barker Family Story

"Our family has always been a host family in retrospect.  I believe that God has been preparing both my husband and I to host for a long time.  Even before we had our daughter Aubrey, the neighborhood children would randomly come hang out with us.  Tyler, my husband, was always outside working on something... the yard, cars or bicycles.  I often sat with him, just being there.  The neighborhood kids would stop to see what we were doing, I'd offer them a soda, and that was that.  We would have a daily visitor.

Tyler and I moved from our starter home after the birth of our daughter.  When we landed at Tyler's childhood home in the country, we thought that would be the end of the neighborhood kids.  God however has a sense of humor and at that house it was actually worse.  Now that Aubrey was two, they would come over to "play with Aubrey."  In reality, the boys would be outside with Tyler and the girls and I would be cooking, chatting, playing with Aubrey and having a good time.

As time went forward, we moved once again to our forever (we think) home.  The hustle and bustle stopped.  To me the house seemed so empty.  We only had one neighbor kid that would come over.  Tyler and I had heard of Safe Families at church and had been sitting on the idea for some time.  Now that the flow of extra children had stopped it seemed like a feasible idea.

We began the process of becoming a host family through Safe Families.  God has worked on our hearts for many years, the neighborhood kids having stories of their own.  Our first family has a story as well.  

Our first placement was unusual, it was a part-time placement that lasted for almost 7 months.  After spending so many weekends together, the children felt like a part of our family.  What an adventure we had together!  We introduced the children to camping, paddle boats, canoeing, they met our extended family, became part of our church family and our small group family.  How amazing it was to watch their confidence soar and see the love around them comfort them.

You see, we became a host family to change children and families lives.  We did, and I know that the children we hosted had a season of life that will never be taken from them.  They feel the value of who they are and know that there are many good people in this world. And that was my goal.

God, however, has a goal so much bigger than our one track minds.  While we were busy changing the children's lives, the children were busy changing the world.  Those two children changed the heart of not only myself, Tyler and Aubrey, they changed the heart of our extended family, our small group, our church family and even people whom we met camping and will never see again.  In each of these people a new idea was formed.  An idea that a person is a person, just like Horton says, no matter their circumstance, the way they look or the way they speak.  A person is a person and they are Gods children, no different.  A work has begun in the hearts of many, and this work will never be taken from them.

I want to end with this point.  Safe families is not simply about helping families in crisis.  It is Gods design of a bigger picture.  God put us on this earth to love each other.  That is Safe Families design as well.  To open your home and to love.  Cherish the change in all of us.  The whole encompassing circle around these families we serve will never again be the same, because we all now know a different way, and that can't be taken from us.

If I could list how many people have been touched just by this one family in crisis, it would begin with me and spiral all the way to that one woman in line at the grocery store that saw us interacting together and loving one another.  Her question to me from three people back in line was "Are they all yours?"  My response was, "we are a host family for Safe Families, to get more info you can Google it.  No, they are not all mine, but I sure do love them all."  A work begun...even in the line at the grocery store. Observers are around us that I will never even know, yet the seed is planted just the same.  Beautiful."

Jenn and Tyler Barker

Aubrey Barker

Thank you Jennifer, Tyler and Aubrey Barker for sharing your hearts, your home, and your Safe Families story.  To learn more about Safe Families in your area, or for more information about hosting, contact ejohnson@safefamilies.net

#WhyWeHost Reason #2: Because We Didn't Close Him Out

This host family story is special.  Rhonda and Stan Angermeier were one of the first families in Madison County to step forward and say "Yes" to the call of hosting children in their home.  I remember reading through their application, amazed at this families' story.  Early in their marriage, Rhonda and Stan decided to live below their means in order to allow space in their lives for God to use them… and has He ever used them!  Before becoming a host family, Rhonda and Stan adopted two sweet girls from China.  Their oldest daughter, Qiao, was adopted at age 4 with a diagnosis of retinoblastoma.  Much to their surprise, Qiao's eyesight deteriorated quickly and she went completely blind only 3 months after her adoption was final.  The heartache this family endured was steep, but it didn't stop them from continuing to allow God to use them and be a blessing to others.  

The Angermeier's were approved at rapid speed for a placement need that came in practically overnight.  They agreed to take in a baby for one month, but were prompted to serve two young boys instead.  After some thought, they agreed and this family became a place of peace and rest for two young boys that desperately needed it.  In their home,  they paid careful attention to the emotional needs of these boys and watched them blossom into sweet, playful children.  The space this family left in their life has been filled in ways that cannot be measured.

Stan, Allean, Rhonda & Qiao Angermeier

"Why did our family chose to be a host family?  There are so many answers to that question -- because both our daughters required some else to care for them for a time, because we understand how healthy experiences can help to heal the brain of traumatized children, because God had provided an extra room in our home…but, the main reason was because we felt God tug at our hearts and we didn't close Him out. We haven't always made that decision (the one to obey, to listen to the still small voice), but when we have, God has always blessed us.  We have learned to that to say no to God is to say no to an opportunity--an opportunity to know Him better, to learn His ways, to see His best.  Hosting two sweet little boys (even for a short time) has had an impact on us, and our children.  I've watched the prayer life of our daughters deepen as they pray for the real needs of another child.  Likewise, we have grown in our understanding and expectations of how God works.  God's call is never without a stretch, a little discomfort, but the rewards are always worth the light and momentary troubles."
--Rhonda and Stan Angermeier, Host Family

#WhyWeHost Reason #1: Because They Need Us More Than We Need Them

For each family that steps forward and says, "I want to do that.  What does it take to be a host family?"  There is usually a reason why.  The families that step up to serve others in this radical way, do what they do because God has broken their hearts.  We will be highlighting these 'reasons why' in the coming weeks.  My families' reason found us over two years ago, and since then we have allowed our home to be an open door to kids in need.  But sometimes hosting is hard.  

I read a story on a blog recently entitled, "The Child I Didn't Adopt".  It was about a boy who was a forgotten child of the foster care system.  It hit me in a spot where I can feel God trying to grow me.  It gave me compassion for those children that are particularly hard to love.

The little boy in the story mentioned above, Stephen was his name, resonated with me.  I have seen kids like him before -- they cry out for attention by being disrutptive to teachers and classmates, or maybe they throw a fit when things don't go their way.  Maybe Stephen was overly hyper, unsettled, angry and difficult.  

I resonated with his foster families too--maybe they were at a loss.  Maybe nothing was working.  Maybe they just didn't feel like he was theirs to keep.

I blubbered over this blog post because one like him was living in my home at the time.  Two weeks had come and gone with no other prospective host family, and it was becoming obvious that this child would be staying with us.  His unstable past had shown itself in all its colors.  Indignant anger lived right below his skin, and he would yell at us for the smallest of disturbances.  Tantrums in public and referral's from school were consistent--though improving.  He cried out for attention by being disruptive to his teachers and classmates.  He threw a fit when he didn't get his way.  He was overly hyper, unsettled, angry and difficult. And at the end of the day, he would pray for God to take all of his bad dreams away.

It's a stretch to love these lost boys.  All four members of my family were feeling the stretch that occurs when hosting a child whom you cannot call a blessing, while extending love and grace to his mother, whom you cannot call thankful.

Safe Families is unique in that the host family is able to build a relationship with the parent.  I was determined to build a relationship with his mother.  This child needed the love and stability of our home for now, and the long-term stability that his mother would provide for him.  And his mother needed a friend.    

The next 3 weeks would hold less tantrums, less referrals, more stickers on his chart and more push back from my family.  We were being stretched remember.

I have a strong-willed daughter, whose personality is as fierce and stubborn as a child who has endured the world's wrath.  And so, when he yells, she screams back at him.  When he stomps out of the room, she slams a door.  When he apologizes for his behavior, she mutters a mumbled "I-forgive-you-I-guess" and turns and walks away.  My son, on the other hand, is quick to forgive, and I am quick to point out that his gift of forgiveness is a blessing right now.

I have a friend pick him up from school one day; to survive this placement I must pull in my own support system.  Fortunately I have faithful friends that commit to having him for an afternoon or two while my family takes a breath.  While he is away I find that he has written to us via text message: 

"I love you.  Emma. Addi. Sam."

On his last night he hugs me with a hug that doesn't want to let go.  We pray for his new school, and praise God he can go back to his mama that loves him and needs him.  She and I will continue in relationship if I have anything to do with it.  Bare minimum, she will know that I will always be a listening ear for her.  

We are learning, as a family, that the simplest of things can be a gift to someone else.  An extra bed.  A car ride to school instead of a busy bus.  After-school snacks and homework, and enough extra time to run around a be a kid.  Friends that pick him up for a special afternoon.  A sticker chart.  Someone who stops to see him as a child of God, not as a troublemaker or a child wrought with behavioral issues due to too much instability.  

The growing pains my family endured are small in comparison to the blessing it has been to him.  Sometimes God asks us to serve others and it turns out to be a blessing for us.  And other times he asks us to serve so that we can be a blessing to someone else because ultimately, they need us more than we need them.

Right now, you have an opportunity to BE a blessing to these troubled kids that fall into our hands and our hearts by opening your home to a child in need.  Our placements are often times short, but life changing.  For more information on hosting or how you can volunteer with Safe Families, please email ejohnson@safefamilies.net

A Safe Family Adoption Story

In March of 2013 I received a respite need for a Grandmother with cancer.  Today, on October 9, 2014, I sat in a court room next to this Grandmother with cancer and watched her granddaughter wiggle in a seat next to me.  Anna turned to me and said, "Today I'm getting adopted. By them!" and jabbed a little 6 year old finger in the direction of two smiling parents who were anxiously awaiting a Judge to enter the room and make this family official.

The road to a happy ending is never easy, and this one had it's fair share of twists and bumps.  I was honored to share the ride with this family.  I first shared Anna's story in a blog post entitled A Grandmother's Journey, Part I.  Here the stage seemed to be set for an adoption to take place, but there were mountains to move (and rights to sever) before this child could be given a new forever home.

As God would have it, rights were severed under circumstances only God could orchestrate.  The journey continued and I wrote the next chapter in this tale: A Grandmother's Journey, Part II focusing on the moment when the Brown's invited both Anna AND Grandma into their lives forever.

If I were to write Part III, it would be entitled:  The Strange Things That Happen When People Act Like Jesus.  The Brown family made it clear that they were not just in the business of giving Anna a happy ending but Mary too.  Once Mary accepted the offer to move with Anna closer to this family that would eventually adopt her granddaughter, strange things started happening.  The act of kindness offered by the Brown family seemed too kind to some, and shortly after the move there was not one, but two reports to Child Protective Services.  Everyone involved in this story was taken aback and frustrated at the efforts being taken by others to misconstrue the intentions of this family.  It's sad that this story is so rare and alarming that others would not recognize it as God's work in the world, but would assume it's bent and twisted.

Fortunately, God's work was not thwarted, and today the Brown family grew from five to six.  We celebrate with the Brown family as they give a hope and future to a child that had none.

A New Definition of Fair

“What I would like to discuss is the is the topic of co-parenting between bio families and host families.”  Kristin Stayer shared her growing relationship with the father whose children her family served.  Safe Families provides a unique scenario where a 'bio family' or placing parent can choose to move toward the host family for support and gentle guidance when it comes to parenting.  Kristin and Eric modeled this idea extremely well when their four month placement was closing in and the boys were preparing to move home. 

“I don’t know how to do bath time and sticker charts and all that…” the father of the 3 boys confessed to the host family after the boys had gone home with Dad for the weekend and returned in the same clothes as when they left.  

Kristin Stayer

Kristin and Eric saw this as an opportunity God was giving them, and asked the father if he would like some help with tackling bedtime at home!  He quickly agreed and the three of them set up a time for Kristin and Eric to come to his home and they ALL would do bedtime together.

“At first the boys didn’t like us being there” Kristin confessed, “because they wanted to misbehave!”  The boys' dad explained to his two rowdy little boys that he and Kristin and Eric were all on the same team and they would all be in charge!  This type of support from the placing parent is not uncommon.  Our families are usually very grateful for the guidance and advice given to them by host family.

Such efforts at merging world’s with a placing parent is not uncommon among our incredible host families in Madison County.  Other host families have attended births when no one else would come, have donated furniture and household items for placing parents, have taken a single Mom job hunting and have thrown birthday parties when it seemed like no one else was going to.  

Sometimes we have families who are particularly gifted with hosting children who are more challenging.  The Lephart's are one such family.  They have chosen to be available for hosting difficult children as their primary focus, therefore their efforts with the bio parents are less of a focus.    Heather and her husband Noel have been given some challenging placements, and they have established a “way” with these kids that balances love and boundaries.  

Heather shared from her vantage point as an MSW who and has worked with at-risk youth and currently is a Certified Christian Life Coach at Ovid Community Church.  

Heather Lephart

“The first night of our family dinner," Heather explained, "Shaun wondered away from the table and into the other room during our time of sharing 'high’s and low’s'.  The second night he stood in the room next to us and just watched but didn't say a word.  The third night his sister joined us at our home as well, and he couldn’t wait to sit down at the table and tell her all about 'high’s and low’s!'"

Heather was able to help our host families understand that the kids who are placed in a new home are temporarily 'lost' and looking for some security and control.  Wandering away from the dinner table wasn't seen as a threat to her and Noel's family structure, but rather an opportunity to give a child (who likely has never been a part of a family dinner) time to observe before taking part.  Heather has shared with her own kids a new definition of the word 'fair':  

"Fair is making sure that each person gets what they need, not that each person gets the same thing."  

This motto captures the essence of why we do what we do.  We serve these families because of God’s kindness to us.  We give to others out of the gifts we have been given, and we give with an open hand.  

Thank you to Heather Lephart and Kristin Stayer for sharing your stories with us!  The Stayer's journey entitled 'A Host Family Perspective' is available for viewing under our Video's tab.    We look forward to doing it again on September 28, 2014 from 1-2:30 at Park Place Community Center!  Please join us if you are a current host family, a prospective host family, or looking to further engage your church.  Email ejohnson@safefamilies.net for info or questions.  

Our Host Family Forum 9-15-14